A Poly-Affirming Therapist’s Guide
Is Opening Your Relationship Right for You? Question to Ask Before You Start
Considering ethical non-monogamy can feel both exciting and overwhelming. Maybe you’ve begun learning about polyamory and started to wonder how couples navigate jealousy in open relationships, or how people communicate needs and boundaries without losing connection.
Maybe the traditional relationship escalator (dating, marriage, kids) feels confining, and you’re curious about alternatives. Have you and your partner struggled with desire discrepancy and think that opening your relationship would take some pressure off? No matter what has brought you to consider nonmonogamy, there are some questions you should ask yourself before you dive in.
Before opening your relationship, there are crucial things to explore, with your partner, and also within yourself.
What am I looking for in a nonmonogamous relationship?
In ethical non-monogamy therapy, we often explore whether someone is seeking freedom, novelty, autonomy, or relief from unspoken pressures and expectations. If you feel that there is a need not being met by your relationship, nonmonogamy can seem appealing. However, it is important to note that nonmonogamy is not a fix for your relationship, but instead a different way of being. If you are struggling to connect or communicate with your partner, nonmonogamy will only make that harder. However, if you deeply love your partner but something is still not clicking for you, nonmonogamy may offer a solution. Perhaps you are kinkier than your partner and you want the freedom to explore. Perhaps you are feeling disillusioned by the structure of the nuclear family and want to move towards a more communal way of living. Maybe you are feeling suffocated by having to run decisions by a partner and would like to de-escalate your relationship so you can feel more independent. Exploring non-monogamy presents a container where you can explore new ways of relating to your partner and the other people in your life.
What do I want my life to look like in 10 years?
This question can help you figure out your relationship goals long term. Perhaps you are interested in living communally to share labor and financial resources and community is a priority for you. Perhaps you would like to stay in a primary partnership and would like the opportunity to build external sexual relationships that allow you to express your sexuality. This can be a great option if you and your partner are not fully sexually compatible; maybe one of you has recently come out as bi or if you want to explore kinks your partner isn’t interested in. Perhaps you like the idea of dating other people, together or separate, and just want to keep your options open if other relationships present themselves. If you want to have kids, or if you have kids already, thinking about or discussing what structure you want for parenting is a good place to start. This is not the time to get into the nitty gritty, but the time to create an ideal scenario. Perhaps you would like a big house with multiple partners where everyone shares the responsibilities of raising a group of siblings. Remember to be creative and free yourself from the limitations of monogamy culture. This is not the time to worry about what your parents would think, or ruminate on how the finances would work. This is the time to tap into the optimist inside you and idealize your future life and relationships.
What is my communication like with my partner?
Strong communication is especially important when couples pursue open relationship counseling, where unspoken expectations and defensiveness have the potential to surface quickly. This can be hard to acknowledge, but if you and your partner are having trouble communicating, it is not the time to open your relationship. That doesn’t mean that non-monogamy is off the table, it just means that you and your partner are going to have to commit to doing some work to recognize your patterns and practice patience with each other. Consider if you are able to listen to your partner when they are bringing something to your attention that is hurting them. Are you able to work through your defensiveness to actually hear them? If you are feeling jealous or abandoned by your partner, are you able to communicate your feelings to them without blaming them? If you are feeling hurt by your partner, do you feel safe bringing it up? Trouble in this area can come from struggling to hear criticism and getting defensive and/or can stem from your own fear of conflict or feeling like you don’t deserve to be treated with respect and care.
Opening your relationship is just the beginning…
If you have thought about these questions and are ready to begin exploring non-monogamy, your work has just begun. Opening a relationship and navigating new relationship dynamics is hard and can be very stressful. The main issue with this is that there are very few (if any) models for nonmonogamy. While this can make it challenging to picture what nonmonogamy would look like long term, it also allows you to think outside the box and truly build the life you want. Continuing to find pleasure, patience, and understanding with each other will go a long way. With effective communication, and, perhaps, the right poly-affirming therapist, you can start building the life you want. As a poly-affirming therapist offering in-person sessions in Philadelphia and virtual therapy across Pennsylvania, I often work with individuals and couples navigating ethical non-monogamy with care and intention. Support through polyamory therapy can help couples tolerate uncertainty, renegotiate agreements, and stay emotionally grounded during change. I work with individuals and couples who value thoughtful, affirming, trauma-informed support and are ready to engage deeply in this process. If you or your partner are looking for support on your journey with non-monogamy, you’re welcome to reach out and schedule a session.
Frequently Asked Questions About Ethical Non-Monogamy
Is non-monogamy right for every couple?
Non-monogamy isn’t a solution to relationship distress, and it isn’t right for every partnership. It tends to work best when there is a strong foundation of ongoing communication, mutual respect, and a willingness to examine challenging emotions together.
Can therapy help with jealousy in open relationships?
Yes. Therapy can support individuals and couples in understanding where jealousy comes from, how to communicate it without blame, and how to build reassurance and security while exploring non-monogamy. Remember ethical non-monogamy is not one-size-fits-all.
Do you offer therapy for polyamorous relationships in Philadelphia or virtually?
I offer poly-affirming, trauma-informed therapy for individuals and couples in Philadelphia, including the Rittenhouse area, as well as virtual sessions across Pennsylvania.