Mixed-Neurotype Couples, Communication, and Neurodiversity-Affirming Therapy
“How did we get here?”
If you have found yourself asking this while in conflict with your partner, unsure of why they’re upset, you’re not alone. Maybe you find yourself overexplaining to your partner why that tone, or that statement was hurtful. Maybe your partner is confused why you are hurt at all.
While miscommunications happen in every relationship, they tend to happen more frequently and with more intensity in mixed-neurotype relationships.
Perhaps your partner is autistic and you are not or you have ADHD and your partner doesn’t struggle with executive functioning. Perhaps you struggle to understand subtlety or sarcasm in social situations, while your partner just lost their keys for the hundredth time. The issue here is not that either one of you is lacking or wrong, it’s just that you may be speaking two different nervous system languages.
ADHD, Autism, and Different Communication Styles in Relationships
The first thing to understand in a mixed neurotype relationship is that neither language or way of being is better than the other. If you’re autistic, your partner isn’t “better” at socializing, they just happen to speak the language we are taught is ‘correct’. If you have ADHD, struggling with initiation, organization, or follow through is not a character flaw; it’s simply how your brain processes attention, time, and energy. The goal is not to force one partner to adapt to the other partner’s way of being. The goal is to recognize that your communication styles are different AND both valid.
From there, couples can begin the real work: learning about each other’s communication styles and beginning to intentionally create the shared language of your relationship.
Self-Awareness and Nervous System Differences in Mixed-Neurotype Relationships
Before communication between partners can shift/improve, self-awareness has to come first.
You may have learned to repress your preferences and needs because you were told they were too weird or unrealistic growing up. Perhaps you learned to push through overstimulation because you didn’t want to ‘ruin the fun’. Perhaps you were socialized as a woman and were praised for not having wants and needs at all. All of these things can shape how we show up in a relationship, whether or not you are neurodivergent.
Self awareness is necessary for both partners because it is your job to figure out what you need and communicate it to your partner; they are not mindreaders. This also means that you need to be honest with yourself and your partner about what is going on with you.
The next stage is learning to be compassionate with your partner when they communicate their wants and needs. You do not have to always agree, but you always need to be ready to hear, understand, and validate your partner’s feelings. Listening to their requests with compassion and understanding can go a long way to making sure you both feel heard and respected, even if you end up disagreeing with their point.
Clarifying Intent in Mixed-Neurotype Relationships
These two elements are important in any relationship, but mixed-neurotype couples often benefit from building specific communication habits.. An impactful first practice can be to ask for clarification instead of assuming intent.
If you didn’t get the reaction you were expecting, take time to clarify that your partner understood you correctly. Perhaps you answered the question they asked you, but they were actually asking for validation. Perhaps your partner snapped at you when you asked a simple question, but they were just feeling overstimulated. Clarifying intent can be a hard habit to start, but as you practice, it can help you avoid a lot of miscommunication.
Once you start practicing clarification, you may start to notice patterns about your partner. For example, you might notice that they tend to answer questions very directly, regardless of emotional context. Over time, this awareness allows you to adjust how you ask questions so you’re more likely to get the response you actually need.
As you begin this practicing intent, it’s normal to feel uncomfortable or even silly. This is a great moment to talk to your partner.
For example, you might say, “When I ask how I look, or if this makes me look fat, I need you to tell me I look beautiful regardless. Then after that, you can tell me that maybe a different outfit would be more flattering. I actually do want your opinion, but I need to know you find me attractive first.”. That way, you can still use the questions that you feel comfortable asking, but your partner understands that you’re looking for connection and reassurance first. (or could say connection before feedback).
There are many moments like this in mixed neurotype relationships. When working with me in session, we can slow down and walk through some of the arguments or misunderstandings that you typically cycle through. Many of them are more complicated than the situation listed above, but with honesty, compassion, and a helpful outside perspective to connect the dots, you can work towards building a shared relationship language together.
Healing Hearts Wellness offers couples therapy and individual therapy for mixed-neurotype relationships, grounded in nervous-system–informed, neurodiversity-affirming care.